The Bean Dip Incident: by Lance Pinamonte

This is not your typical war story, as it starts on a bright sunny morning in a land far, far away, where the wind was blowing the billowing smoke from the burning shit cans into the clapboard hooch's, causing many a night flight crew to awaken earlier than planned.

The smell of JP-4 and feces would somehow penetrate all of your senses and leave one with a positive outlook for the daily events planned by much better men than yourself. This was just one of those days, where you knew your day would be special ...

At least we got to sleep a couple of hours and the chow line was short, the pickings slim. A glass of OJ and a couple of slices of stale toast, it did not matter, it all tasted like those burning shit cans.  I made my way out to the flight line and decided to do my intermediate inspection, since it was only an hour away from being due.

So, stealing a maintenance stand from a PE crew, I slowly pushed the awkward stand down the pot-marked flightline only to lose control of it at the drainage ditch. Trying my best to keep it upright, I decided to hold on for dear life to the side of it, which caused me, and the stand, to end up in the mud at the bottom of the ditch.

Now, understand, this mud was special.  It had hydraulic fluid, JP-4, urine, and engine oil, along with the run off from the wash rack close by, all mixed together in it.  I was lucky. I landed on my head, so I would not break anything... it was at this point that the PE crew noticed I had stolen their stand, so out they came, all four of them, to retrieve it.

After they thanked me for finding their stolen stand, they pulled it from the ditch, had a good laugh at my demise, and wheeled it back to the PE hanger.  I decided I had better clean up, so I went over to the wash rack, grabbed the hose from the overhead water tank, and turned it on over my head... the previous operator of the wash rack had filled the tank with detergent, instead of spraying it on with a pressure can.  So, off I went to the hooches to shower and change clothes.

At this point, I thought things had to get better as I walked towards my hooch. But, no, it was about to get so much worse ... my pilots and gunner met me halfway back and informed me we had a mission -- no time to change, or shower -- so changing course, we all headed to my ship.

The first mission was a simple taxi job.  Pick up passengers in Saigon and take them to Lai Khe. As we took off, I noticed I was itching a little. The detergent was working at removing my first layer of skin.

By the time we got to Saigon, I was a bright shade of red and even my gunner was feeling sorry for me.  The pilots told me there was a garden hose to the side of a building near the landing pad, so while we were waiting for our passengers. I ran over to the hose and undressed to rinse off the detergent.

As I was standing there in my birthday suit, our passengers arrived.  As if I wasn't already red enough, I was even a darker red when I saw our passengers were Donut Dollies.

An old saying from one of my high school friends came to mind, "If they haven't seen it already, they will never see it again."  Now, I knew it wasn't the best saying in the world, but as I finished putting on my wet fatigues, I knew it couldn't get much worse, right?

I dropped my head and headed for the ship like a scolded dog, bright red, and still itching. I just couldn't make eye contact with these ladies.  The ONLY round eyes within 100 miles and I had to make a fool of myself in front of them ...

I just about got to the ship and was headed for the main rotor tie down, and "WHAM", I ran into
the stinger of the aircraft with my forehead -- sometimes, its best to look up when walking around large objects. Luckily, it didn't knock me out, but I knew it was going to leave a mark -- it turned into a nice goose egg, right in the middle of my forehead.. So much for any vanity around the ladies ...

The Donut Dollies had already sat down and the pilot started the ship.  My gunner had helped them with their seat belts, I donned my helmet, and dropped the face shield in shame. Of course, the helmet didn't feel real good on my goose egg, so I sat dejected in my gunwell, trying to sit still with my lower half itching like hell, and my head starting to throb.

We landed in Lai Khe shortly after and our pretty cargo departed, with a giggle and a wave. We had some time to wait for our next mission, so the pilots left for the local mess hall and I again tried to start my intermediate inspection. My Gunner was helping, which usually made it a little faster, although he had a strange sense of humor, being a grunt for six years.

Of course there was no maintenance stand, so I had to crawl up on the stinger and balance there to take my tail rotor oil sample.  So, I was standing on a 1-inch rod, balancing a wrench in one hand,
and a oil sample bottle in the other -- what could go wrong?

Well the sample draw plug was stuck, so I pulled a little harder on the wrench, and "POW" it came loose all at once, with oil hitting the top of my head.  As I panicked and tried to pull the wrench to shut it, I lost my balance and fell off the skid, landing on my butt.  Hey, the good thing was, I filled the sample bottle! The bad thing was, I now had oil dripping off my nose... We finally finished the inspection and the pilots showed up to take off for our next mission... We got a can of C's for lunch...

Our next mission was unplanned, as we left for a simple resupply we got a call for a medivac, we flew to an area near Quan Loi and contacted the ground troops, we headed into popped smoke, then realized it was not the right popped smoke.. The enemy opened up, and our ship shuttered, we could not return fire because of close proximity of our troops, so I made myself a small itchy crotched, oily, bumpy headed person, so they couldn't see me... 

The pilots were screaming as they pulled hard on the old bird to clear the trees, we gained altitude and it got real silent, then we all realized we were still alive.. The ship was doing well and another ship had arrived on scene to do the medivac, we were making a beeline to Quan Loi with my bird making a whistling noise, losing power, and the pilots calling altitude and RPM's.. They got the bird down safely, although it wouldn't fly again for many months.. It had thirty four counted holes in it, including a few in the main rotor blade, but none of us had a scratch........

We were emptying the ship of our gear, waiting for one of our ships to take us back home when a bunch of bad humored NVA decided to fire a few rockets at the flightline of Quan Loi.. Now some people run
for the nearest cover, but being veterans of many rocket attacks we knew the best action was to hit the deck in place, and become flat as hell... The odds of them hitting us was very slim, the odds of us having to lay down in leaking JP-4 from our ship was high... 

So after the all clear was sounded my crotch had another reason to itch and now a steady burn was over coming the itch.. The good thing was that now I had company, my Gunner... One of our ships landed shortly after, and my Gunner and I were forced to sit on the floor of the ship, the CE of that bird did not want JP-4 on his seats...

Now I bet you are wondering where the Bean Dip is going to come in? Well, my day had to have a bright spot right? By the time we got back to base it was dark, all I wanted was a shower and a cot to sleep away this bad dream of a day.. I got back to my hooch and found a care package from home sitting on my bunk.. My parents would send me KIT wax, chips and,,,, you guessed it, BEAN DIP... so I decided instead of going to the Mess hall for something to eat I would have a feast on bean dip and chips, the shower could wait a little longer.. 

I opened the package and there it was four cans of bean dip, ripping open the chips, and grabbing a Pepsi from the mini-fridge, I started to open the bean dip can by pulling the tab and promptly slicing my thumb wide open.... It started to bleed and I grabbed my clean towel I was going to use for a shower, wrapping my thumb up, then peeking at the wound I decided I had better head for the medic's, as I had very little holding my thumb on... 

The medic started on it as soon as I arrived, no one else was there at that hour, and as he stitched he asked if I wanted a Purple Heart.. I said "For what, a Bean Dip Mortar?" .. He looked at me strange and said "I thought you got this outside of Quan Loi?" , I simply replied "Its a long story and a bad day."..

Just think, I could be telling my Grandkids about my Purple Heart right now, instead I tell them about a Bean Dip can...

Lance Pinamonte

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale


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