The Traveling Wall: by CJ Heck

Vets and Motorcycles at The Moving Wall

Several years ago, when I was still living in New Hampshire, I drove to Goffstown, the next town over, where The Vietnam Traveling Wall was being displayed.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was a day that would change my life.

There were literally hundreds of Vietnam vets there that day.  

In the parking lot, their motorcycles were lined up like dominoes.  It was an awesome sight.    

I knew it would be hard, but I thought because it was a much smaller version of The Wall in DC, and not 'the real thing', that it would be okay -- that I would be okay.

I had gone prepared to find Doug's name. I wanted to silently talk with him and leave a few personal things, photos, and some poems I had written.  

What I was not prepared for were the emotions that overwhelmed me as I approached The Moving Wall. It was devastating and it brought me to my knees. 

I had buried my grief and feelings for so long that I was totally unprepared for the emotional breakdown. All I wanted to do was run and bury everything inside again, but I couldn't even stand, only sob like I had never done before -- great gut-wrenching sobs that tore me apart inside.

If it hadn't been for the help and support of the Vietnam veterans there, I never would have stayed, never would have found Doug's name on The Wall, but most importantly, I never would have seen that I was part of something huge, something so much bigger than I had ever imagined. 

The Moving Wall

All those years, I had felt alone.  That one day changed my life. 

I was hurting, but I saw so much more hurt and pain in their eyes and as they shared their stories and their grief, I realized for the very first time, I was not alone. 

Vietnam, unlike any war of the past, nearly destroyed a whole generation of young, not only during the war, but for those who returned home, and those of us who were left behind, waiting, hoping, praying. 

I've come to realize that through silence, Agent Orange, the VA, and the government, the Vietnam War is still destroying our generation. 

I made a promise that day at The Moving Wall.  In my heart, I vowed I would do everything I could for the rest of my life to try and repay the selfless gift I was given by those Vietnam veterans. 

Through Memoirs From Nam, I created a safe and healing place for you to tell your stories, share your feelings, and voice your opinions -- both the good and the not-so-good -- through writing.

It's time we educate the public.  We need to tell the truth about the Vietnam War, you the veterans, and everything our generation endured and had to bury, because no one wanted to listen or be supportive.

Once again, I send my thanks to all of you for your support and for sharing your stories, your thoughts, and your memories -- your truth.

And one day, I will make it to The Wall in DC.  This time, I will know I am not alone. 

My warmest regards and respect,
Your friend,
CJ 

Thank you for your service, and Welcome Home.


“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale

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To All My Veteran Friends

On April 3, I put an article on the blog with the title, "Do You Still Think About Vietnam?"  

It was an excellent article, by a Vietnam Veteran, who shared his thoughts and feelings about how and why he cannot NOT still think about Vietnam.

He did not put his name on the article, preferring to remain anonymous, but he should feel proud, because it became immediately obvious that his article touched on something important which was universal among all Vietnam Veterans: Yes, they do still think about Vietnam.  

I'm only sorry I can't thank the veteran for his article.  The feelings and memories it evoked have been overwhelming, not only for those in every group where it was posted on Facebook and LinkedIn, but for me, as well.

To All My Veteran Friends:

I want to thank you, all of you, for your honesty and for openly sharing your thoughts and feelings about the Vietnam War.  I expected to hear that you do still think about Vietnam, just like our anonymous veteran.  What I wasn't expecting was how deeply everything you had to say would also touch me.

Every time I read something one of you shared, without your knowing it, you helped me face many things I have also buried since 1969. 

Through reading about your experiences and your loss, I have felt your anguish, because it also touched those things that I had buried and brought them to the surface. Often, it was sudden, like a body slam and it was frightening. Other times, it was a gentle pull, like a whisper and I cried.

But I'm learning. I know that to heal, that's exactly what I need to do more of.

Pain is pain. It doesn't matter who owns it, or from which direction it comes, or how it got there. Pain is pain, it hurts like bloody hell, and we want to avoid it, because we're afrait it will consume us. But stuffing it brings even worse pain, the kind that can haunt forever, through nightmares or flashbacks.

You have helped me see that we are not our fear, nor are we the pain. They do not own us. And, we are not separate.  We are whole, we are good, and above all else ... we are human.

I've found that healing begins with the realization that the horror, loss, or even the guilt of still being alive -- are all significant and defining moments in our lives. They couldn't help but change us.  We are who we are because of those defining moments and that can bring acceptance.

Every time one of us shares something, we are all facing it together -- and we are honoring the men, like my husband, and the women on The Wall, the fallen heroes who can never share their stories.  Through sharing, we give them a voice ...

I just needed you to know how very much you have helped me. So, once again, I thank you.  My only hope is that I have in some way also helped you.

I am here for you ...

With my deepest respect and admiration, I remain ...
your friend,

~CJ


“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale