The War Within

The War Within

by Robert Cosmar

War places us in contact with our darker nature and the alternate reality of our existence. It goes far beyond religion, morals, training, combat, and what is considered normal to most folks.

Each of us has the capacity for great awareness, great enlightenment, and great love and truth, but we also have the capacity for great destruction, anger, pain, fear, and even madness, if we become lost to our darker nature.

It isn't a matter of right, or wrong in war, only an acceptance of what is and following orders. In combat, almost anything goes and our moral teachings have to be set aside. 

Guilt is the consequence, as well as an underlying fear that we may experience this part of ourselves again, even in less dangerous circumstances.

It's normal to suppress our dark nature and fear its presence, as long as we remember, at the other end of it, is great light, knowledge, and healing.

We are not our darkness.  We are a consciousness that observes the darkness and, at times, for self-preservation, we are forced to identify with it, like in combat.  When we are in darkness, there is a freedom that didn't exist in our normal daily lives.

This same freedom is experienced by those who seek enlightenment. It is a place where we become free of the teachings of mankind, and potentially aware that we and life are much more than we originally thought. 

This freedom can give us the power to choose and create an authentic life built on love, healing, and serving others, or on a life that embraces judgment, guilt, and unbelievable emotional pain.

The warrior can face their pain and break free from the shackles of mankind, or they can give in to their unconscious guilt and shame and be tortured by it.

Acceptance is the key to healing and non-judgment. In reality, no one punishes us but ourselves. We all have the key to acceptance -- but will we open the door and walk inside to go beyond the fear and guilt within us?

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale


Feel free to comment on this post. You are also invited to write about anything you feel comfortable sharing. Memoirs From Nam is YOUR blog. You are writing America's history, sharing the truth about the Vietnam veteran, and what it was like in Our War.

The Healing: by Ben Weihrich

The Wall

Long ago, in the Age of Aquarius, there was a war; a war which divided father against son, brother against brother, friend against friend; a war which left mothers, wives, sweethearts in tears and questions in their hearts.

Some of those brothers, friends, fathers and sons came home whole, others missing limbs, others who came home in a gray coffin, and still others who are yet missing.

Time has passed, as time does, and the wounds from that war have slowly healed -- not completely though. 

The people still remember the hurt, the anger, the grief, and the terror of that war. The nation had tried to forget the war because that war was never won and the nation was disgraced by that war. The warriors who came home hoped for empathy, but faced ridicule, hopelessness, nightmares, fear and terror.

These disheartened warriors tried to distance themselves from that war, but they could not. The war drew them like a moth to a flame. So with courage and faith these grunts, flyers, radiomen, medics, docs, nurses, cap'ts, swabjocks, jarheads, doggies, chopper jocks, all kinds of rank and file, hippies, dissenters, draft dodgers, went to the people of that nation seeking to heal those wounds caused by the war.

Without the capital of the capitol, but with the clout of the Powers That Be behind the seats of government, these warriors made their dream and the nation's come true in the fall of '82. Together with courage and compromise, "THE WALL" is a reality today. 

The fathers, mothers, sweethearts, brothers, sisters, friends, foes, strangers all came to see, touch, cry, and rejoice when they saw (or did not see) a name on the "THE WALL". Friends were made and reunited, wounds healed, goodbyes said, unspoken words were spoken, and things of love were left.

The hippies and hawks became one, the glorifiers and the demeanors are silenced by the "Blackness Of The Wall".

No Shame No Glory.

Just a celebration of heroes.

Respectfully Submitted,
Ben Weihrich, Jr.
USMC '69-'75
Proud Grad of "Saigon U"

"The man who will go where his colors go without asking, who will fight a phantom foe in the jungle and mountain range without counting, and who will suffer and die in the midst of incredible hardship without complaint, is still what he has always been, from Imperial Rome to sceptered Britain to democratic America.

He is the stuff of which legions are made. His pride is in his colors and his regiment, his training hard and thoroughly, and coldly realistic, to fit him for whatever he must face. And his obedience is to his orders. He has been called UNITED STATES MARINE."  ~T.R. Ferenhoch, ['This Kind Of War']

email Ben

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale

Tears of a Warrior

by John Norwood

Retired USAF CM Sgt.

Aircraft Flight Engineer

A man of eighteen years, barely dry behind the ears, hears Uncle Sam’s call.  In eight short weeks, the change is as radical as a caterpillar becoming a butterfly -- only this change has no beauty to it. The young boy is transformed into a soldier, an instrument of war.

The days of taking his girl to lover’s leap and skipping class to go fishing are all gone. He is thrust into a world of violence against his fellow man. He begins to see the ravages of war. He learns to kill, not for sport or food, but for territory and ideals. He learns these skills with dedication and without question, because he is doing what he is ordered to do.

Suddenly he is thrust into a world of pain, death, blood and pure fear. He sees things that no amount of education, or training, prepared him for. 

His friends are now few and close, yet distant, because getting too close will cause pain when that friend is no longer there. The cold, damp, heat, and loneliness become his constant companion. At times he tries to deaden the pain with booze. He fights with himself, trying to bury what he sees. He does his job without emotion, knowing if he feels, he’ll go nuts.

Then suddenly it’s all over.  He sheds his uniform and finds himself back on Main Street USA. When he sees his old schoolmates, he finds he no longer has anything in common with them. He cannot talk about his experiences because they won’t understand. His youth was robbed from him and he no longer trusts those around him with the ease he once did.

He has wounds you cannot see; not wounds of the body, but wounds of the soul, mind and spirit.  No one can see them. No one can see the scars. 

He drifts back to a time when he felt the pain for real. He seeks out answers he cannot find. At times he feels out of control and tries to find anything he believes will give him control, like booze and drugs, or he buries himself in work to the point of exhaustion.

He withdraws from relationships for fear of loss. He rejects authority for authority brought him harm in the past. He feels alone in a world that doesn’t seem to care. He hurts, but no one can see the wounds; no one hears his cries for help. He is judged by what others can only see on the surface. 

They don’t see the Unseen Wounds. They don’t hear his silent cries.  All he can do is ask, “Why can’t you see what this has done to me?”


“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale

PTSD Today

More Vietnam Vets are Getting Help for PTSD

[Stars and Stripes, March 31, 2014]

Nearly 46 years after being wounded in Vietnam, Peter Halas applied for and received a post-traumatic stress disorder disability from the Department of Veterans Affairs.

The former Akron, Ohio, resident is not alone.

Dr. Edgardo Padin-Rivera, chief of psychology and PTSD expert at the Louis Stokes VA Cleveland Medical Center, said many Vietnam vets are applying for disability as they remember more about their combat experiences.

In Halas' case, he already had a disability from physical wounds he received in Vietnam. He was injured by a land mine in 1968.
But his PTSD disability was awarded only recently after specific memories came back while talking about the war with VA counselors.

Padin-Rivera said there are 326,530 Vietnam veterans with a PTSD disability -- a figure that is climbing every year.

As veterans age, the ways they had to defend against memories of combat begin to fade and they become more troubled by their war experiences, he said.

"It is about emotions of vulnerability and helplessness," he said. "And this brings up memories of those time periods when they felt vulnerable and helpless and those experiences have to do with war experiences."

So when veterans go to the VA for medical care, they are asked questions about their mental health, Padin-Rivera said.

"Now that we are asking the question, they begin to talk about it," the psychologist said. "We try to make it OK for them to talk about this and do away with the stigma of mental health. We saw this with World War II vets and are seeing it with the younger generation of vets from Iraq and Afghanistan."

The memories came back to Halas, 68, as he began talking to VA counselors about his military service.

He wrote about one incident in support of his PTSD diagnosis: "Fire fight for a day and a half, seeing fellow comrades wounded, some mortally by taking a direct hit by mortars ... Then being told to clean up blood, bones, organ splatters from inside of vehicles."

Halas said he's had anger issues over the years and now realizes it was part of the PTSD.

"You don't realize it until you start thinking about it," he said.

Halas -- who retired from Cavanaugh Building Corp. in Akron and moved to Temecula, Calif., in 2011 -- said he now receives about $1,400 a month for his PTSD disability, in addition to the $1,600 a month he was receiving for his war injuries.

He's also trying to straighten out the official record on his service awards.

The Department of Veterans Affairs has changed his DD-214 to reflect one Purple Heart, but Halas says he received three, and a Bronze Star, for his service.

He's still working on getting the file corrected and said he wants to leave an accurate account of his military experience for his family.

"It wasn't important before, when I was a young kid," said Halas, who attended Copley High School. "Now I am an older person and I think about it, those things are important. I damn near gave my life for it."

jcarney@thebeaconjournal.com

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale

Taps for my Soldier

Taps for My Soldier

by CJ (Parrish, Kempf, O'Brien) Heck

A gentle breeze chatters the leaves
as birds sing their greetings.

 
The sun shines 

on a day like any other,
and yet like none before.

 
Two mirrored rows of uniforms
line up like blue dominoes,
white gloves holding rifles at the ready.

 
A lone bugle cries. 

Twenty-four notes.
Each note, slow as a tear,
blankets ears and heavy hearts.

 
In the silence between,
even nature holds its breath.

 
Gone is the breeze.
Gone are the bird songs.
Gone is her hold on composure,
all lost in the bugle's lament.

 
Solemnly a soldier approaches.
White gloves present a tri-fold flag,

 
and in one final mournful note,
legions of silent voices unite
to call a comrade home

and his young wife weeps.

[from the book, "Anatomy of a Poet", by CJ Heck]

Read a Preview of "Anatomy of a Poet"

Buy "Anatomy of a Poet" at Amazon.com  

"Taps for My Soldier" included by invitation in the Taps Exhibit, The Taps Project, Arlington National Cemetery, May 29, 1999.

"Taps for My Soldier" included in the book, The Other Side of Sorrow by Cicely Buckley, edited by Patricia Frisella (Poetry Society of New Hampshire, 2006).

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale

Healing Old Wounds

**Please Share This Post**

To all Vietnam and other veterans, their families and friends:  Sharing can be a way of healing. Grief and loss can isolate, anger even alienate. Shared with others, our emotions unite us, as we see we aren't alone.  We realize others weep with us.

[Douglas Scott Kempf - KIA September 5, 1969]

As a (1969) Vietnam War widow, it is my wish to provide a healing place where you can write about anything you want. You have the truths America should hear.  The “Memoirs From Nam” blog was created for that very purpose. 

Come and visit.  Read what so many others have already shared.  I encourage you to share your own stories and email them to me with “Stories from Nam” in the subject line:   cjheck60porsche@gmail.com.   

I'll be waiting to hear from you.   Memoirs From Nam Blog

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do, and by the grace of God, I will.” ~Everett Hale